I have a date! I actually have a date! After 6 years of being single, I have arranged to meet a guy on Wednesday. A real life single guy, A potential BOYFRIEND! Yes I said it BOYFRIEND.
To understand the importance of that last line, I feel the need to tell you a little about myself. Growing up, I loved attention. Being made to feel worthless at home, having male attention made me feel good about myself. Men 'wanting' me made me feel important, and I coudln't be that bad of a person if these guys wanted me right? Sure all they wanted was sex, but they wouldnt wanna shag a useless ugly cow would they?
My next problem was saying 'no' to people. I HATED the word. I am very easily led astray and let many of these guys have their way with me. Luckily, by the time I was at my worst I had moved away from home, away from the area and could do what I wanted when I wanted.No reputation chased me. It was my pass to freedom. I worked 8 hours a day and the rest was for partying, sleep didnt even get a look in until I had run out of money to party, and even then, people would pay for me to go out. There was so much love and happiness all around back then. We worked on a holiday park and it was like being on holiday every day. Different people visiting, new guys to flirt ( and more) with. Gone within a week, never to be seen again. It was like a playground for the sexually frustrated. I got carried away quite a few times ( I'll speak more about the things I got up to in another blog soon) Am I ashamed of who I was? No. It made me who I am today. Do I regret what I did? Yes. Some of the things I did,that I persuaded myself was ok to do. looking back, was not the right choice.
Now, do you believe in karma? I do. After getting pregnant ( by my boyfriend at the time) I put ALOT of weight on. I came home ( alone after he magically turned violent once I was pregnant) and comfort ate. I didnt stop comfort eating for a few years. I lost all of my confidence.I was fat, ugly. Didn't even bother going out any more. I had become undesirable, this was my worst nightmare. Without this desire guys had for me, I was useless. Nobody wanted me, I didnt even want to BE me. All I had was my son. I had to be the best mother I could be. And so It was for the next 5 years. . . .
Recently I have been feeling lonely. I see people, they are kind enough, but I felt empty. Looking at myself in the mirror, I hated what I saw, I need to be me again. I needed someone to love me. To want me again. But not just to be used. I have to be strong and find someone that will love me. To find somsone to settle down with. So I decided that I needed to make a few changes to my life. Changes that I have never made before.
I started sorting my life out. Started going to the gym, eating healthy ( Im finding this really hard, so If anyone has any tips, please get in touch) Watching after my skin, getting my haircut ( well Im getting it cut tomorrow in fact) maybe even colouring it. I even signed up for a dating agency. I explained on my profile, that I'm not looking for a one night thing, Im looking to go out on dates, to meet and get to know someone for a potential relationship.
I've always been petrified of relationships, feel suffocated by the thought of staying with one guy for the rest of my life. Having to share everything with him, him becoming a part of my sons life. But I feel now, that I need this in my life. The days of going out and having fun have gone. I need to grow up.
So yeah, I have a date. On Wednesday I have no idea how to act on a date,( can you google this I wonder? ) Be yourself, people advis,. I dont even know who 'I' am any more . The guy who I met ( online) seems like a lovely guy, says he is shy but seems very keen. I am SO nervous. I'm praying he likes me. I'm not sure I could cope if he doesnt.
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