I have a date, with a man! A real man!

I have a date! I actually have a date! After 6 years of being single, I have arranged to meet a guy on Wednesday. A real life single guy, A potential BOYFRIEND! Yes I said it BOYFRIEND.

To understand the importance of that last line, I feel the need to tell you a little about  myself. Growing up, I loved attention. Being made to feel worthless at home, having male attention made me feel good about  myself. Men 'wanting' me made me feel important, and I coudln't be that  bad of a person if these guys wanted me right? Sure all they wanted was sex, but they wouldnt wanna shag a useless ugly cow would they?
My next problem was saying 'no' to people. I HATED the word. I am very easily led astray and let  many of these guys have their way with me. Luckily, by the time I was at my worst I had moved away from home, away from the area and could do what I wanted when I wanted.No reputation chased me. It was my pass to freedom. I worked 8 hours a day and the rest was for partying, sleep didnt even get a look in until I had run out of money to party, and even then, people would pay for me to go out. There was so much love and happiness all around back then. We worked on a holiday park and it was like being on holiday every day. Different people visiting, new guys to flirt ( and more) with. Gone within a week, never to be seen again. It was like a playground for the sexually frustrated. I got carried away quite a few times ( I'll speak more about the things I got up to in another blog soon) Am I ashamed of who I was? No. It made me who I am today. Do I regret what I did? Yes. Some of the things I did,that I persuaded myself was ok to do. looking back, was not the right choice.

Now, do you believe in karma? I do. After getting pregnant ( by my boyfriend at the time)  I put ALOT of weight on. I came home ( alone after he magically turned violent once I was pregnant) and comfort ate. I didnt stop comfort eating for a few years. I lost all of my confidence.I was fat, ugly. Didn't even bother going out any more. I had become undesirable, this was my worst nightmare. Without this desire guys had for me, I was useless. Nobody wanted me, I didnt even want to BE me. All I had was my son. I had to be the best mother I could be. And so It was for the next 5 years. . . .

Recently I have been feeling lonely. I see people, they are kind enough, but I felt empty. Looking at myself in the mirror, I hated what I saw, I need to be me again.  I needed someone to love me. To want me again. But not just to be used. I have to be strong and find someone that will love me. To find somsone to settle down with.  So I decided that I needed to make a few changes to my life. Changes that I have never made before.

I started sorting my life out. Started going to the gym, eating healthy ( Im finding this really hard, so If anyone has any tips, please get in touch) Watching after my skin, getting my haircut ( well Im getting it cut tomorrow in fact) maybe even colouring it. I even signed up for a dating agency. I explained on my profile, that I'm not looking for a one night thing, Im looking to go out on dates, to meet and get to know someone for a potential relationship.
I've always been petrified of relationships, feel suffocated by the thought of staying with one guy for the rest of my life. Having to share everything with him, him becoming a part of my sons life. But I feel now, that I need this in my life. The days of going out and having fun have gone. I need to grow up.

So yeah, I have a date. On Wednesday  I have no idea how to act on a date,( can you google this I wonder? ) Be yourself, people advis,. I dont even know who 'I' am any more  . The guy who I met ( online) seems like a lovely guy, says he is shy but seems very keen. I am SO nervous. I'm praying he likes me. I'm not sure I could cope if he doesnt.

First rant

Aaaaaaaaaargh

I was just having a phone conversation with my mum about why I didnt like hanging out with my sisters boyfriend and need to vent.

OK, first of all my sisters boyfriend 'N' is ALWAYS with her. Granted he is good ( ish ) with the baby. But his head is so far up his own ass I'm sure he can see his belly button.
He smells funny and swears and spits on the street and is generally a thug! It's embarrassing to go for a starbucks with him acting like that.
His opinions of life are ridiculous, but I wont bore you with those right now.

Anyway. speaking to my mum how uncomfortable I am hanging with him, and how I wish I could see my sister and her baby sometimes without him, my mum feels the need to tell me that ALL MEN behave like this. I was shocked. I was like ' you say all men spit and act gross) and she said 'yes'

How is my mum so shallow. Does she not realize there are normal guys out there. Is it any wonder I'm still single  . . if that's what all the guys are like around here Im screwed.

Here goes . . .

Who am I? What am I doing here?

No, I'm not going to start on a religious note. But I thought I should maybe explain who I am and why I'm writing

I'm Flo of course that is not my real name, but if I'm going to be honest with you on here then I am going to have to hide behind this alias to protect my dignity. Not that I have much of that lately.

Where to start on my story is difficult. I will start with now and pop back into my past when I need to. But this will not only be my story being written for you all to read at your leisure, it will be an online diary asking for help and support. I am far from perfect,but at the moment I'm pretty far from anything.

I am an unemployed 30 something single mum. Sure, I have family living locally but that doesn't necessarily mean I have support.,sometimes family are more of a problem that a solution. That of course doesnt mean I dont love them all dearly. They are my life and I would do anything for anyone of them. Well almost anyone of them. 

I live in a damp two bedroom ground floor flat in a scabby part of town. I say town but Im 4 miles from the nearest shop. I grew up here though, in this part of town. It feels like home,feels familiar.  The flat itself, is warm ( when I have enough money in the electric meter) my gas was switched off and capped years ago. Flo gas were assholes when trying to find a way to pay them and decided to screw me over big time, so being as proud as I am I learn to manage without their stupid gas. The dampness is never ending. Constant wiping down walls, washing curtains and moving things so they don't get spoiled. The bedrooms re not so bad, so I use one to store clothes and bits while sharing the small box room with my little one.

My days are a strict routine, I get woken up around 5 am every morning, I get up make breakfast for 'M', put the tv on while I have 5 minutes ( an hour) 'me time' laying on my bed. Then get up again, get us both washed, dressed and out the door to school. What I do while 'M' is in school varies, cleaning, cooking, arranging things, general mum things. . oh and sometimes sleeping. that's my favourite thing to do. Lay on the couch and watch a bit of Jeremy Kyle in the morning, then fall asleep until mid afternoon. 

What do I do in the evening . . . well that's for a whole separate blog.

Well, now you see a tiny slice of my life . .the most not the most entertaining person on the planet. Not in this piece of life anyway.